Yo, you hear about that new website? Pff… it’s only what everyone’s talking about right now! Give it a peep next time you’re on the internet, okay? [tutorial modal pops up] You can visit WEBSITES on the INTERNET

You ever hear people talk about how they shifted from a 5-day work week to a 4-day work week and it increased their productivity? Well, that’s two data points we can extrapolate from using statistical modeling. Now, following the resulting trend line, you can clearly see that a 3-day work week would be even better than the 4-day one. It’s this spot right here on the graph. Okay, now look at this. It’s a 2-day work week. That’s projected to be even better than the 3-day one. Pretty nifty, huh? Well stick with me here, because this isn’t over yet. As we get to the far end of the graph, you can see that a 1-day work week would offer the best productivity of all. Isn’t that something? Who would have thought, right? But before you get really excited, I do want to come clean about something. I’ve been hiding something from you. The fact is, there’s one more point on the graph. That’s right. And you have to steel yourself for this one. Okay? Are you ready? Okay. Because this point here shows that a 0-day workweek has infinite productivity. Isn’t that wild? But it’s true. It’s true, because of math. Neat stuff, huh? Well, that’s about all I have time for today. I’m off to go be infinitely productive. See you around!

Writer’s tip: Need to name a character in a hurry? Maybe you can name them after the song you’re listening to right now. You can’t? You're not listening to anything? The song makes for a bad name? You’re implying this is bad advice? You’re asking what kind of advice is this? Well, did you pay for it? Are you paying? Huh?

Compliment sandwich: You’re excellent at analyzing trends. Your last report was terrible, though. Anyway, you look great!

Compliment open-faced sandwich: This is the worst code I’ve ever seen. But you are smart.

Compliment toast sandwich: That was a great presentation. You’re really firing on all cylinders. And your fashion sense is impeccable.

Compliment club sandwich: You communicate well, but you’re bad at organization. But you work hard. You should close your mouth when you chew. I value the contribution you make to this team.